What's That on the Wall?!

I had two friends who were getting married, and since we have an interesting sense of humor, I decided to throw them a tea party/sex toy party as their bachelorette party. We were having a good time, and the woman was showing us some things when she pulled out a somewhat large purple dildo that had a suction cup at the end. She licked her hand, smeared it on the suction cup, and smacked that thing on my wall. She was telling us how great this product was (Mr. Dependable, if I remember correctly) and easily removable and all that great stuff.

So she leaves it up on the wall. I don't think anything of it, really. I would say like, 10-15 minutes later, she pulls Mr. Dependable off the wall and…there is a HUGE circle mark on my wall. It ripped the paint off! My friends are all gasping, she says, 'Wow, that's never happened before.' I live in an apartment! These aren't my walls and now they have a huge, dildo circle on them! Everyone is saying things like, 'you won't notice it' and all that stuff.

I didn't say anything to her because it wasn't a HUGE deal and we go about our business and she leaves. My husband gets home and looks at the wall and says…'What's that?' Of course, I must then launch into the story. Not only do I need to tell my husband the story, but quite a few people notice this on the wall.

We moved out about a month ago and, before we left, we stuck a remote control holder for the ceiling fan over it so that we wouldn't have to explain it to the landlord. If we'd had the right paint, I would have covered it up, but I guess a control holder will work just as well.

- D. H., New York

And Now For Something Completely Different...

I've been working on a new blog, totally unrelated to this one... it's about recipes, home renovations, decorating, planning for holidays, etc etc.

www.handymancraftywoman.com

Since this is my blog and I can post whatever I want on it, I'm giving my other blog a Shameless Plug here!! :-)

Don't worry, I'll still post great stories on here as I get them; but I'm at the mercy of readers as to when I can post here...I can only post here when people write in with material, so keep sending in stories! The Holidays are quickly approaching, and Consultants from all different companies are revving up to try to sell their wares at various Open Houses and events...this season is ripe for new Consultant Calamity stories!

New story coming soon...

The Calamity Queen

With Friends Like That...

When my husband landed his first job after graduate school, we had to move to a new city where we knew no one. I had trouble finding a job and making friends, and I was miserable. I joined a networking group for young women and started attending meetings, hoping to get job leads and meet people. One night, I sat next to a very pretty blond girl, and we chatted all night and made plans to meet at the mall the next week. We had a great time walking around, talking, having lunch, and she asked me if I wanted to come over to her house that weekend for a makeover. Sure!

I showed up to her house, and it was a one-woman Mary Kay party. She was a new Consultant and had taken me on as a "project". There was no conversation, no friendliness, just point blank discussion of how to cover my faults with her make-up and what weird hands and feet I had. I was at her kitchen table, being told how to apply eyeshadow like an idiot child, when her husband walked in with their dogs and had a conversation with her about dinner, totally ignoring me. She didn't even introduce us.

At the end, she said, "So is this the best you've ever looked?" I tried to be polite, and said, "It looks great." And she said, "Well, if you get everything I showed you tonight, which I recommend, it'll be $212, and here's how to make out the check."

I was floored but still trying to salvage what I thought was a possible friendship. "I don't mind buying a few things, because I'm glad to help support you, but I really just came over tonight to hang out with a new friend."

Her answer? "That's great for you, but how does it help my bottom line?"

She should have kept up the chummy salesmanship just a few hours longer. I was out of there with nothing.

- D.D., Georgia

The Secret is in the Sauce!

Hello everyone!

I was away for the weekend of October 23-25th, and when I came back, I was surprised to see that my site counter had gone up a significant amount, plus I had TONS of new comments. :-)

At first, I thought it was spam...! But then I realized that this surge of comments is all thanks to a cool site called The Secret is in the Sauce. They feature a woman blogger, and urge their members to go and put lots of comments on the site, and to revisit the site often if they like it. I have also noticed some new "followers!" What a wonderful surprise! I am so excited and thankful that they came by!

So if you read all the comments and see "Happy SITS Day", it means just "SURPRISE" and HELLO from the SITS site (Secret is in the Sauce.)

Go on over and check out some cool featured women bloggers, the bloggers featured have content of all types.

Thank you, SITS, and I will come and check out more of your featured blogs myself!

Remember, I need more stories to keep the fun going, so keep 'em coming!

- Calamity Queen

What Kind of Party IS This, Anyway?!?!

Several years ago, I hosted a kitchen tools party (Pampered Chef). The consultant suggested I make it a couples party and so I invited several people from my neighborhood. A few of the guys were game and they showed up with their wives. My husband greeted everyone at the door, handed the guys a beer and said, "Come in!"

The Consultant had a great spread in my living room. Two full tables of items to show and lots of food which had been prepared or was ready to prepare.

One of the husbands (a big, burly, Harley-riding, fighter pilot) came over and wouldn't come in the door. He said he was just there to deliver his wife and his mother to the party. However, he peeked inside and when he saw all the food and kitchen gadgets, his jaw dropped. He took a chair right up front!

He became the life of the party. Well....let's say the party took a different turn because every time the consultant pulled out a tool, he spelled out another use for it. An R-rated use. Fortunately, we were all friends and so no one was totally embarrassed. The Consultant was a great sport and pressed on with her demo.

This item became a personal massager:

When the rep described one item as the "Master Scraper" he said, "WHAT DID YOU SAY??!!!

The group was in stitches as the Consultant continued her demo. By the time she got to this item, she didn't have to say a word. She just held it up and the group busted out hysterically.

The show was a huge success and sales were over $1200. And you can guess which guy bought the most!

- Anonymous

I'm Not That Kind of Girl

Back in the sixties, when I was 19 years old, a college student and very innocent, I decided to sell Tupperware to help pay college expenses. Amazingly, I was a very successful Tupperware lady. All my household tips were so well presented that I must have seemed like a young housewife myself.

One late summer afternoon after a party in a new neighborhood, I was packing things up when the hostess, her best friend, and their husbands became very friendly. Before I knew it, they told me about their hobby of making homemade porno films and invited me to participate that evening. I was so embarrassed and couldn't leave there fast enough.

M.M., Kentucky

Update...

Hello, Everyone!

I know its been ages since I've posted on here, and I wanted to explain why...

First, we were on vacation. I intended on taking a couple of weeks off blogging in late August and early September...but the weeks dragged on, as we've been fighting sickness in our house for a while! Our child was sick, then the husband was sick with a VERY bad virus, and then, despite trying to take precautions, Calamity Queen also went down for the count...

*sigh...*

For the record, I'm not sure it was this H1N1 virus everyone is so freaked out about; child just had a run-of-the-mill cold, then about a week later, husband and I were sick as dogs with a virus that was very hard to kick. It was the weirdest thing; after about a week we felt better for about 2-3 days, then had a re-lapse that lasted ANOTHER week. Neither of us went to the doctor; we just stayed home from work/activities and tried to rest. They aren't even testing people for H1N1 around our area, they are just telling people to stay home and recover and not spread germs!

Lots of people have "cooties" of all kinds lately, it seems. I hope all of you are staying healthy!
Second: I did receive one (FABULOUS) home party story that I will post soon...but to be honest, I'm out of stories. I have a couple of my own, but I NEED MORE STORIES!

Please email your funny home party stories to: consultantcalamities@gmail.com Remember, the stories don't need to be elaborate; and they can be from the point of view of a hostess, party consultant, guest or anyone involved in the home party process.

I do have a few other things I can post as I wait for more stories...so let's get this party started again!

The Calamity Queen