Wednesday, December 9, 2009

What's That on the Wall?!

I had two friends who were getting married, and since we have an interesting sense of humor, I decided to throw them a tea party/sex toy party as their bachelorette party. We were having a good time, and the woman was showing us some things when she pulled out a somewhat large purple dildo that had a suction cup at the end. She licked her hand, smeared it on the suction cup, and smacked that thing on my wall. She was telling us how great this product was (Mr. Dependable, if I remember correctly) and easily removable and all that great stuff.

So she leaves it up on the wall. I don't think anything of it, really. I would say like, 10-15 minutes later, she pulls Mr. Dependable off the wall and…there is a HUGE circle mark on my wall. It ripped the paint off! My friends are all gasping, she says, 'Wow, that's never happened before.' I live in an apartment! These aren't my walls and now they have a huge, dildo circle on them! Everyone is saying things like, 'you won't notice it' and all that stuff.

I didn't say anything to her because it wasn't a HUGE deal and we go about our business and she leaves. My husband gets home and looks at the wall and says…'What's that?' Of course, I must then launch into the story. Not only do I need to tell my husband the story, but quite a few people notice this on the wall.

We moved out about a month ago and, before we left, we stuck a remote control holder for the ceiling fan over it so that we wouldn't have to explain it to the landlord. If we'd had the right paint, I would have covered it up, but I guess a control holder will work just as well.

- D. H., New York

Monday, November 16, 2009

And Now For Something Completely Different...

I've been working on a new blog, totally unrelated to this one... it's about recipes, home renovations, decorating, planning for holidays, etc etc.

Since this is my blog and I can post whatever I want on it, I'm giving my other blog a Shameless Plug here!! :-)

Don't worry, I'll still post great stories on here as I get them; but I'm at the mercy of readers as to when I can post here...I can only post here when people write in with material, so keep sending in stories! The Holidays are quickly approaching, and Consultants from all different companies are revving up to try to sell their wares at various Open Houses and events...this season is ripe for new Consultant Calamity stories!

New story coming soon...

The Calamity Queen

Saturday, November 14, 2009

With Friends Like That...

When my husband landed his first job after graduate school, we had to move to a new city where we knew no one. I had trouble finding a job and making friends, and I was miserable. I joined a networking group for young women and started attending meetings, hoping to get job leads and meet people. One night, I sat next to a very pretty blond girl, and we chatted all night and made plans to meet at the mall the next week. We had a great time walking around, talking, having lunch, and she asked me if I wanted to come over to her house that weekend for a makeover. Sure!

I showed up to her house, and it was a one-woman Mary Kay party. She was a new Consultant and had taken me on as a "project". There was no conversation, no friendliness, just point blank discussion of how to cover my faults with her make-up and what weird hands and feet I had. I was at her kitchen table, being told how to apply eyeshadow like an idiot child, when her husband walked in with their dogs and had a conversation with her about dinner, totally ignoring me. She didn't even introduce us.

At the end, she said, "So is this the best you've ever looked?" I tried to be polite, and said, "It looks great." And she said, "Well, if you get everything I showed you tonight, which I recommend, it'll be $212, and here's how to make out the check."

I was floored but still trying to salvage what I thought was a possible friendship. "I don't mind buying a few things, because I'm glad to help support you, but I really just came over tonight to hang out with a new friend."

Her answer? "That's great for you, but how does it help my bottom line?"

She should have kept up the chummy salesmanship just a few hours longer. I was out of there with nothing.

- D.D., Georgia

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Secret is in the Sauce!

Hello everyone!

I was away for the weekend of October 23-25th, and when I came back, I was surprised to see that my site counter had gone up a significant amount, plus I had TONS of new comments. :-)

At first, I thought it was spam...! But then I realized that this surge of comments is all thanks to a cool site called The Secret is in the Sauce. They feature a woman blogger, and urge their members to go and put lots of comments on the site, and to revisit the site often if they like it. I have also noticed some new "followers!" What a wonderful surprise! I am so excited and thankful that they came by!

So if you read all the comments and see "Happy SITS Day", it means just "SURPRISE" and HELLO from the SITS site (Secret is in the Sauce.)

Go on over and check out some cool featured women bloggers, the bloggers featured have content of all types.

Thank you, SITS, and I will come and check out more of your featured blogs myself!

Remember, I need more stories to keep the fun going, so keep 'em coming!

- Calamity Queen

Friday, October 16, 2009

What Kind of Party IS This, Anyway?!?!

Several years ago, I hosted a kitchen tools party (Pampered Chef). The consultant suggested I make it a couples party and so I invited several people from my neighborhood. A few of the guys were game and they showed up with their wives. My husband greeted everyone at the door, handed the guys a beer and said, "Come in!"

The Consultant had a great spread in my living room. Two full tables of items to show and lots of food which had been prepared or was ready to prepare.

One of the husbands (a big, burly, Harley-riding, fighter pilot) came over and wouldn't come in the door. He said he was just there to deliver his wife and his mother to the party. However, he peeked inside and when he saw all the food and kitchen gadgets, his jaw dropped. He took a chair right up front!

He became the life of the party. Well....let's say the party took a different turn because every time the consultant pulled out a tool, he spelled out another use for it. An R-rated use. Fortunately, we were all friends and so no one was totally embarrassed. The Consultant was a great sport and pressed on with her demo.

This item became a personal massager:

When the rep described one item as the "Master Scraper" he said, "WHAT DID YOU SAY??!!!

The group was in stitches as the Consultant continued her demo. By the time she got to this item, she didn't have to say a word. She just held it up and the group busted out hysterically.

The show was a huge success and sales were over $1200. And you can guess which guy bought the most!
- Anonymous

Monday, October 12, 2009

I'm Not That Kind of Girl

Back in the sixties, when I was 19 years old, a college student and very innocent, I decided to sell Tupperware to help pay college expenses. Amazingly, I was a very successful Tupperware lady. All my household tips were so well presented that I must have seemed like a young housewife myself.

One late summer afternoon after a party in a new neighborhood, I was packing things up when the hostess, her best friend, and their husbands became very friendly. Before I knew it, they told me about their hobby of making homemade porno films and invited me to participate that evening. I was so embarrassed and couldn't leave there fast enough.

M.M., Kentucky

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Hello, Everyone!

I know its been ages since I've posted on here, and I wanted to explain why...

First, we were on vacation. I intended on taking a couple of weeks off blogging in late August and early September...but the weeks dragged on, as we've been fighting sickness in our house for a while! Our child was sick, then the husband was sick with a VERY bad virus, and then, despite trying to take precautions, Calamity Queen also went down for the count...


For the record, I'm not sure it was this H1N1 virus everyone is so freaked out about; child just had a run-of-the-mill cold, then about a week later, husband and I were sick as dogs with a virus that was very hard to kick. It was the weirdest thing; after about a week we felt better for about 2-3 days, then had a re-lapse that lasted ANOTHER week. Neither of us went to the doctor; we just stayed home from work/activities and tried to rest. They aren't even testing people for H1N1 around our area, they are just telling people to stay home and recover and not spread germs!

Lots of people have "cooties" of all kinds lately, it seems. I hope all of you are staying healthy!
Second: I did receive one (FABULOUS) home party story that I will post soon...but to be honest, I'm out of stories. I have a couple of my own, but I NEED MORE STORIES!

Please email your funny home party stories to: Remember, the stories don't need to be elaborate; and they can be from the point of view of a hostess, party consultant, guest or anyone involved in the home party process.

I do have a few other things I can post as I wait for more let's get this party started again!

The Calamity Queen

Friday, August 28, 2009

There's a Mouse in the House

We rented a local hall for our National Scrapbook Day event. We go the night before to set up, and much to our dismay, the hall is filthy! We’ve rented from here before and never found the place in this condition.

My downline and I spent our evening cleaning the place, wiping down tables, cleaning the bathroom, practically sanitizing the kitchen and setting up our displays. There is evidence that the local mouse population has taken up residence over the winter. As we finish setting up for the evening, we cover all of the tables with tablecloths and are proud of our accomplishments.

The following morning, we arrive to find that the mice have been checking out the facilities. We change the tablecloths, and once again sanitize the kitchen countertops. Our guests arrive and we proceed with our event. As the day progresses so does the rain. By mid-afternoon, we are in the midst of a major rainstorm. It is pouring cats and dogs outside!

The mice start getting restless and start showing themselves…. first in the kitchen! Out of the corner of my eye, I see one go running across the countertop! We keep wiping everything down with Clorox and are practically taking turns in the kitchen making noise to keep them hidden away. Then all of a sudden, we have rain water coming into the hall from a doorway, so we abandon our kitchen duty to try and avert the rain water.

All of a sudden, we hear a customer scream! A mouse has just run across the floor! It runs into a closet, so we take bags and stuff them in the cracks to keep it in the closet. Meanwhile, I see another mouse in the kitchen!

Needless to say, between the rain and the mice, we all decide to call it a day! We ended up getting most of our rental money back and have never gone back there again!!!

H.N., Connecticut

Friday, August 21, 2009

A Tisket, A Tasket, A Skull Inside My Basket

I'm a dentist, and years back when I was taking gross anatomy in dental school, the university issued us each a "bone box" containing several real human bones to use as study aids. Since the skull was the focus of most of the dental-specific study, I found myself needing a way to carry the skull with me to classes and study sessions without having to bring the entire, foot-locker-sized bone box with me. Not only did I want to protect the skull, which the school would have charged me hundreds of dollars to replace, but I also wanted to conceal the fact that I was carrying a skull on the subway. So I put it in my Longaberger cake basket. It fit perfectly.

Some time later, my mom was at a Longaberger party where the consultant was talking about novel and unexpected ways to use Longaberger baskets. The party guests weren't participating very much, and the consultant was quite persistent, trying to get them to volunteer unusual ways they have used baskets they own, to give ideas to the other guests.

Finally, my mom speaks up: "Well, my daughter says the cake basket is the perfect size to carry a human skull."

- S.O., Pennsylvania

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Back when I first started hosting scrapbook workshops, my customers were often squished around my kitchen table. One night, a customer asked to use the star pattern from my custom cutting system. I handed it over and she proceeded to cut her shape out of her paper and leave a permanent star etched in my kitchen table!! Oops, she forgot to use her cutting mat!!!

Luckily, with time and lots of day to day abuse by my children, the etch has worn away and can only be found if you really look for it!

- H.N. Connecticut

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stood Up, Yet Again...

This was my first workshop after we moved to Hawaii. The workshop started at 9am and was going till 3pm and there were going to be about 6 ladies attending. I had talked to everyone that was coming the night before, and all was good.

I set out tables, made food. I had Tastefully Simple cheese balls and crackers and other snacks. I mean, I went all out.

One lady called to let me know that she was on her way with the 3 other ladies that were coming. An hour later she called to let me know that she was still coming but she couldn't find my house. OK.... I told her where I lived again.... Well, she never came.... Oh, and did I say that that lady lived next street over from me? It was only a 3 min drive from her house to mine. And she got lost and never made it... Still don't know what happened to her and the other ladies.

My husband took our then 3 year old to the park to play so we wouldn't have any distractions. He was out with her for a while. Needless to say, that when he came back after lunch time I was the only one sitting at the tables eating my snacks and scrappin. I was so upset. No one even called to let me know that they were not going to make it.

-N.F., Hawaii

Monday, August 10, 2009

You're Never Too Old

I hosted a Passion Party earlier this year for my Mom's Group. I was so excited, as were the ladies who were attending. Then the Consultant showed up...

A Passion Party is a party where you can buy stuff to put a little "wink and a nudge" into your love life. The Consultant showed up with her 75 year old mother.

Yes, you read that right...75 year old MOTHER! Here is this woman, ready to sell us sex toys, and she brings along someone who reminds me of my Grandma! I had no idea she was bringing her, she had never mentioned it, but what was I supposed to do? Make the mom wait in the car?

Now, even though the Consultant was selling bedroom goodies, you would have thought she would have dressed sexy/professional. Nope...for the entire duration of the party, we could see her bootie and boobie. She was dressed like something out of the Junior's department circa 1995. Tight, and spandex.

If you thought the 75 year old Mom wasn't enough, then how about the fact that the Consultant informed us that we could use strawberry-flavored, edible nipple cream to soothe sore breastfeeding nipples! Yup...breastfeeding "tips" at a Passion Party.

We had the best time, not because of the product she was selling, but just because our Consultant was so far off her rocker that all 13 of us in attendance could not believe what we had just seen! It was great!

- K.P., California

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Never-Ending Party

I went to a Pampered Chef Party one Friday evening after work. It began at 6:30 pm, but my friend and I got lost on the way there and didn’t show up until a little after 7 pm. Thank goodness for that!

The hostess was a very good friend of the Consultant. Also, the hostess was leaving the next morning for a two-week vacation. So the Consultant was making 5 meals for the hostess’ family to enjoy upon their return. Plus, she made a cake and a soup for the party attendees.

We got to watch as the five meals were prepared and put into the freezer. The cooking demonstrations were finally done around 9:30 pm. At that point I was so tired, I just wanted to go home. I wanted to make a purchase, but the Consultant was cleaning everything up and packing all her stuff. She told me I could just go to her website and enter in my order. I did eventually go to the website and order, but used a different Consultant. One whose party I had attended before and who actually helped me to place my order at the original party.

- Anonymous

Saturday, August 1, 2009

A Home Party of a Different Sort

I was a Mary Kay rep in the early 90's when I was about 19 years old. A friend of a friend contacted me about having a "Mary Kay party" (I think they're called classes now). She said she'd have 5 guests and she asked me what they would be doing for the party. Using the MK lingo at the time, I said we'd be doing a facial and a makeover. The "party" was scheduled for a Friday night. I was so excited! This was only my second party!

I played phone tag with the guests for a while, finally nailed them all down to interview them and put my case together making sure I had the correct colors and formulas for each girl. I got all dolled up, as Mary Kay requires, and drove 45 minutes (on a 2 lane dimly lit highway) only to pull up to yard full of cars and loud music blaring from her house. I wondered if she forgot our appointment. No, she hadn't, my hostess tells me extra girls showed up and instead of 5 we'd be a party of 12 now!! Isn't that great?! Ummm, yeah, except they all appeared to be intoxicated. I could tell by the fact that they were dancing everywhere, including the table I needed to set up on.

The music is turned off and I start to set up. My hostess gets everyone seated and then informs them that I'd be giving each girl a facial and then doing their make-up so they could go out after. I got concerned real quick. I had told her on the phone that THEY'D be giving THEMSELVES a facial. (Side note: I hated used the word facial because I knew people thought "spa facial" when all it was was cleaning your own face with MK products. It felt misleading.)

I instructed the girls on how to start cleaning their skin and then the complaints started. They thought they were coming to get a facial and their make-up done! I explained to them that I couldn't touch their face, etc. and they wanted to know, could I make an exception? No.

Then they complained because I wasn't applying their make-up myself! I explained I wasn't a cosmetologist (and honestly had no idea how to apply make-up...MK doesn't actually teach you that.) I also said that this was a SALES presentation for Mary Kay products. That's when I realized they had all been expecting some type of free spa night where they'd get facials and made up so they could go out on the town afterwards. They had no intention of buying any products! Oh well, I did the best I could for the rest of the presentation, figuring I was, at least, getting a little practice in. Five hours of my time, gone forever. I got out of MK shortly thereafter. It was just not for me.

- V, Louisiana

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Happy Ending with a Bit of Abuse Sprinkled In

I was doing a scrapbook show at a new customer's house. There were about five ladies there. Everyone seemed to be having fun and LOVED everything I showed to them, except for one lady.

This one lady rolled her eyes at me from the beginning to the end. Every time I talked about "Acid free" and "Lignin free" paper, she would roll her eyes and try to argue with me. Try to get me to lose my cool. She made me very nervous. She didn't like anything I said.

Finally, I had enough of her and I said "Look, I am sorry that you don't like anything I say or show about this company or their product. But I love it, and it means a lot to ME! If you don't like it and no one here is interested, then I'm wasting my time and yours, so I should pack my bags and go because I'm not wanted here!" She got all red in the face and apologized. So we went on. She still made a couple more remarks.

I just had a feeling that I was not going to get any sales from this show, and no scheduled shows at all. I knew for sure this annoying lady was not going to order anything from me, and frankly I was fine with that.

When the ordering time came, the mean lady said "My daughter's 10th birthday is coming up and she LOVES scrapbooking. I would love to get her this kit." I almost fell off the chair, as it was the biggest kit Creative Memories had back then. The kit cost around $300.

I did not expect that at all from her. She hated everything and anything I showed and did, and at the end she was the one that ordered the most, and she even scheduled a show!!! Go figure... You just never know...

I was frustrated during the show, but I went home with a smile!

-N.F., Hawaii

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Namby Pamby

This happened to me about 9 years ago; fairly early in my CM career.

I had a customer, let's call her Namby Pamby, book me to be the "craft" at her daughter's birthday party. I only knew her very casually through one of my best customers. We set the date and I got everything ready, including arranging to take my kids to a sitter. Then a few days before, when I called to get directions, she had a BIG sob story about how her husband was renovating their house, and it wasn't done and could she possibly come over to my Creative Memories workshop room and do the craft with the kids and bring a cake for her daughter.

Even though I wasn't comfortable with the idea, I agreed because I felt bad for the child who was turning 10 and really seemed into scrapping at the home party where I originally met these people. AND, my husband would be at work all day and never know that I agreed to this nonsense. I did tell Namby Pamby that I was going to cancel taking my sons (then about 5 and 3) to a sitter, since I would be in my house and didn't see any reason to take them elsewhere just for an hour.

The day of the party arrives, and when she gets to my house, she orders pizza sent to my home (which she pays for) and has cake and ice cream in my kitchen. Oh, and she forgot plates and cups which I provided. My children got to watch the whole thing but were not included. However, siblings and moms of the birthday guests (other little boys) who I was not being compensated for, were invited to eat pizza and ice cream. My house at the time had a family room right off my kitchen, and my kids just kept looking over and I kept whispering "Its OK guys" to them. Now, I get that my kids are not her party guests, but I thought it was kind of rude to do all this and basically take over my house with her three children and with four other families.

At the end, she paid me $35 for the five girls that were the party guests ($7 each was what I quoted her to come to her house and do a page for her daughter from each kid). She put the pages in an album that my good customer gave her for free. AND, left to go home to make dinner for her husband "who will be so mad if I am not there" and LEFT one of the child guests at my house whose mom was on the way!

BOY, did I learn a lot from this experience! Namby Pamby still attends crops hosted by my good customer and I never email her ANYTHING or keep in touch with her in any way. When she does pop up at an event, she always asks me 40 questions about all products, dithers back and forth about "what should I buy" and buys nothing. AND, I heard from others who know her, that her husband is a lazy slug and that the renovation/house being torn up thing is going on fifteen years now, and that she uses that excuse all the time!

I took my kids out for pizza and ice cream that day too, to make it up to them and they still make faces whenever I tell them Namby Pamby came to an event.

Its been about 3 years now so maybe I am finally rid of her. I know its not nice, but deserved.
- M.P., Delaware

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Thanks for Letting me Know!

I had a show for Creative Memories scheduled with a young lady and her friends on a Sunday. I had talked to her on the phone that week to make sure that all was well, and everything was on still. I had talked to her couple of days before that Sunday, as well.

Saturday evening I packed all my bags, made sure I had gifts and everything that I needed.

Sunday I get in the car drive to her house, got lost on the way because I didn't know the area at all, and no one was picking up the phone at her house.

I finally find the house. Got my things out of the car, knocked on the door. I was let in and the young lady came down stairs with "Oh, hi. Is it this Sunday?"

Me: "Yes!"

Her: "Oh, well, I'm leaving right now so I can't do it."

Me: "What? We talked twice this week about this Sunday, and all was OK."

Her: "Yeah, but I'm leaving, so OK, bye!!!"

She opened her door, left, and I was left standing there in the living room with my bags.

All I could do was just take a deep breath, pick up my bags open the door and get in my car and drive away.

- N.F. Hawaii

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

10,000 Maniacs

I just wanted to pop in to say that over the weekend, the Consultant Calamities counter registered 10,000 visits!

How cool is that?!

Thousands of you have come to look at these zany stories, and some of you have also sent in stories. Thanks so much for reading this site, and coming back to read it, as well as joining my Consultant Calamities Facebook page.

However...with this good news comes some (potentially?) bad news...

I am running out of stories!

I've been trying to promote this site as much as possible, and ask around for stories as much as I can...I've even paid for some advertising, and posted my link on other sites. However, funds are very limited for this sort of thing, and I just don't have the budget for any more advertising...I need YOUR help to keep this site going!

Please send this link to your friends and ask if they have any stories, especially those who are Home Party Consultants or ex-Consultants. I want to keep the fun going...and if you have a story, please send it in! It doesn't have to be long or overly elaborate.

I know that there is (unfortunately!) a lot of bad Home Party behavior out there...I just need to find more examples of it.

I do have some stories of my own that I can post, but they won't last forever, either...Please help me to keep the fun going! When the stories run out, they run out...I hate to do that, though.

Thanks for reading,
- The Calamity Queen

Monday, July 13, 2009


At a scrapbooking party that I was the Consultant for, I was enthusiastically telling the guests how great the cup holder was so I decided to hook one onto the table. I insisted it worked great and put someone's drink in it.

Not five minutes later, the holder (and the drink) went crashing to the floor, spilling drink all over the hostesses album cover and some guests purses. Ugh! I was so embarrassed!

- K. M., Massachusetts

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Who Said That?!

I was at an adult toy party as a guest and the Consultant was really great. She was funny, kept the crowd going, and still managed to cover all of what she wanted to present.

One of the things she did to keep the room hoppin’ was a quiz-type game. She asked a number of curious and suggestive questions that elicited big eruptions of laughter and silliness.

Meanwhile, I was kind of quietly chatting and giggling with a friend toward the back of the room when she asked this question: "What is the Male G-Spot?" Reflexively, and not all that loudly, I answered “The prostate gland”.

Suddenly, more than half the room turned to look at me (I die of embarrassment when any kind of public attention is drawn to me, ahhh!) and the Consultant said, "That’s Right! The Prostate!" Which drew everyone’s attention back to her until a friend of mine turned back from the front and said:

"Wait a minute! How did you know that!!!


- Anonymous

Monday, July 6, 2009

Tastes Like Chicken

Some friends and I attended a show offered by Pampered Chef. The Consultant was teaching us how to prepare a few different meals so that we could have all the ingredients prepped, cooked, and frozen for quick weeknight meals.

She was all excited talking about how to save time with her recipes, etc. The hostess chose chicken for the meals. While the Consultant was going through the motions of showing products as she was putting the meals together, she started cutting the chicken and touching it with her bare hands. She then proceeded to pick up all these spices and touch her products to show them NUMEROUS times without ever washing her hands.

I made a mental note after a few woman gasped to never touch any of the products she fondled during her presentation.

I hope no one left with salmonella poisoning!

- D.Z., New Hampshire

Friday, July 3, 2009

Thanks for Nothing!

I remember one customer who never bought very much who called me one day and asked me to label every sheet of paper with what color it was on the back of it for her. She said she would be at my house at 5:30 to pick them up.

Well, I wanted to be accommodating and a good Creative Memories Consultant, so I left early from my good paying job that day and came home and tagged every damn piece of paper with the color name. I had it ready for her.

She never showed.

Later that night or maybe it was the next, I don’t remember, she called and said she got tied up that day and couldn’t make it. She never did come get that paper. I’m still finding sheets of those papers around my house even after we flooded from Katrina. It got put in boxes I guess, and stored away. All those little tags with the colors written out. She never bought anything. Never called again. Frankly, I wouldn’t sell anything to her again if she called. That type of customer I don’t need.

- T. T., Mississippi

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Consultant Calamities Needs More Stories!


How do you like this cartoon? This is going to be part of the new logo for this site, which is being worked on this week. It goes pretty well with the theme, don't you think?

I've felt this way many, many times in my past life as a Home Party Consultant. More times than I can even tell you.

I want to thank everyone so much for all the great, kooky stories I've received so far, and for all of you who are coming here and reading the site.

Also, thank you to the people who have passed this link on to others!

I have some more stories "in the can," but I'm running a bit lower than I'd like on stories, so I'm appealing to you all: If you have any fun, interesting, annoying or kooky Home party stories, please send them to my gmail address:

Remember, I take all kinds of stories...whether you were the Consultant or Rep at a party, the Hostess of a Home party, or a guest at a Home Party. Stories about funny, strange or interesting things are great. Pets and children at parties make for interesting anecdotes as well. Stories about pushy Consultants, or annoying/spacey customers are great, too! The story I posted on Monday is about a pushy Consultant...I'm sure many of us have run into those from time to time.

Remember, you can be anonymous if you wish!

You can also help this site out by passing around my link to fellow Consultants, ex-Consultants and anyone who attends Home Parties and encourage them to share their experiences as well.

I hope to eventually have some small giveaways on the site from time to time for sending in stories, so stay tuned for news about that...

- Calamity Queen

Sunday, June 28, 2009

No Means No

I recently attended a Pampered Chef hosted by one of my friends. She mentioned that the consultant wanted to sign her up to be a consultant herself. My friend was pretty open about how that wasn't her thing, but she was willing to host a party anyway.

During the party, the consultant kept saying "Don't forget to host a party for Sandy! She will be signing up after the close of this show." My friend responds with "I'm not sure I'm going to be a consultant", to be nice and polite, seeing as her friends & family were all around for the show.

The consultant mentioned similar comments about Sandy signing up for the entire show, but it wasn't until the orders were rolling in and she had 1 on 1 conversations with the guests that she really went over the top. For each and every guest who paid her, she said "Which month is best for you to host a party with me?" All guests said they were not interested in hosting a show at this time. The consultant responded with "Well, Sandy will be signing on very soon, so how about we set up a time to host a party with her?"

All guests declined as nicely as they could. I waited til the end and of course because I was one of Sandy's best friends. The consultant pushes and pries to get me to host a show. I had to be blunt and say "Sandy isn't even going to be a consultant and I've had about 10 Pampered Chef shows of my own, we are all good!".

Sadly, she's still persistent via e-mails!

D.Z., New Hampshire

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Little Help, Here? Hellooooo?

During my first pregnancy, I was a Body Shop at Home Consultant. Somehow, I ended up getting parties way, way out of my area. After work, I had my kit already packed up and ready to go.

The kit for the foot soak parties are extensive, and this particular party had about 18 or so guests, which meant: 18 foot tubs, in addition to all the body creams, face cream line, foot care line, catalogs, order sheets and so on…very heavy and lots of it.

I arrived on time (just barely) and was already exhausted just from being 8 months pregnant.

I looked around for the exact street number and, wouldn’t you know? The house is up on a hill, no garage, and stairs that amounted to more than a flight to get to their front door.

I called up to let the host know I was outside and was sort of hoping for a little help with my bags, or maybe an outside light and a propped door; none of which occurred. I lugged 3 bags, 3 separate trips up this towering stair walkway and still was not greeted. The Hostess just stared at me. I asked where she’d like me to set up and she said, "Well, where ever, I guess."

"Which room, I say?" She says, "I don’t know." Excellent. I made do, and it was fine, but seriously, the getting in and out of the house was completely awful. After the party, as I brought my bags down to the car, one by one, her husband kindly held the house door open for me. Not once did he offer to maybe carry a bag down. Did I mention it was December, frigid outside and everything was lined with snow and ice? Nice. I guess it sounds kind of crappy, because I was the Consultant...but really, not even a little sympathy for the roly-poly pregnant girl?

B., New Hampshire

Monday, June 22, 2009

Well Excuuuuuuse Me!

The Pampered Chef Consultant was bossy, pushy and rude. She directed my guests and advised them on what they should be doing in the kitchen and how best to handle their households.

While using my stove to prepare food with her products, she pointed out to everyone that my burner trays, the stainless ones for electric stoves, were not usually that dark. She said that I obviously didn't pay as much attention to cleaning them as I should have!

Can you believe that no one booked a party with her?

- D. S., New Hampshire

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Become a "Fan" of Consultant Calamities on Facebook

Hello Everyone! I'm amazed and thankful for the stories and feedback that I've received on this site, thank you SO much. I appreciate any comments and emails.

If you're on Facebook, you can become a "Fan" of my Facebook page for Consultant Calamities:

Consultant Calamities Facebook Page

Come on over and join, it only takes a minute! Plus, I'll post when there's an update, and you can converse with other Fans.

I've received some great stories, but I still need MORE STORIES to keep the fun going! Click on the gmail address on the right to send in your story.

Help me to spread the word by forwarding the link to this site to other friends, too! I appreciate any help I can get with that.

Stories from Consultants (or ex-Consultants) are great, but I also welcome stories from Hostesses or Guests of these parties. So if you have a story from a Hostess or Guest point of view, don't be shy!

Also, stories about "extra pushy" Consultants are more than welcome. Let's submit those so we can all cringe at them as well! ;-)

New story coming tomorrow.

- Calamity Queen

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It Was the Cosmos Talking, I Swear!

A few years ago, I was invited to a surprise 30th birthday party for one of my neighbors. Being new to the neighborhood, I asked around to see if anyone else was going and we all decided to go together. The party was being held at the home of the birthday girl’s sister-in-law. From what I had heard, the sister-in-law was a great hostess.

As we were driving over to the sister-in-law’s house the night of the party, one of my neighbors mentions that part of the surprise for the birthday girl is that we are going to a “toy party," and I’m not talking Discovery [Children's] Toys!!!! Okay, that’s interesting...a surprise 30th birthday party and toy party all rolled into one. Most of us had never been to one of these parties, but we all agreed that this should make for a fun evening.

My neighbor was right, the sister-in-law was a great hostess. We enjoyed many adult beverages and lots of food waiting for the birthday girl to arrive. If the sister-in-law saw that your cup was nearing empty, she was right beside you filling it up.

Once the birthday girl arrived, it was time to get the party started. The toy lady came out with all of her offerings and started her talk. She had us roaring with laughter!!!! We were all really having a great time. Every so often, the sister-in-law would shout out from the kitchen, “Who needs more to drink…..raise your hand!" Seeing that my cup was nearly empty, I proceeded to raise my hand --- just as the toy lady was demonstrating one of her products and asking the group if anyone had a same-sex partner.

Yes, my hand was raised……for more Cosmos!

Seeing my hand raised, the toy lady announced, “Great! We have a lesbian in the group tonight!”

For the rest of the evening, I was the neighborhood lesbian…..thanks to several more Cosmos, I didn’t mind. It was all in fun and we all had a great time, but every now and again it comes up around the neighborhood and we all start laughing again.

- D.D., New Jersey

Monday, June 15, 2009

Bare Nekkid Ladies

I attended a clothing party hosted by a close friend. It's one of those home parties where the consultant shows off the latest line, then everyone gets to try on samples.

It was the first time I'd ever attended one of these, but several of the ladies had been to one before and knew the routine. As soon as the consultant ended her presentation, the guests stood up and started taking off their clothes--right there in the living room! The hostess and consultant had said guests could use the bathroom or a back bedroom to change, but in the interest of time, many of the more seasoned guests simply stripped in the living room and started trying on clothes from the racks.

It was a Sunday morning party, complete with wine-coolers so I guess many of the guests were not as inhibited as they might normally have been. There was a lot of loud laughter and everyone was having a good time.

The front door was open so the breeze could come in. Imagine our shock when a few minutes later we heard the doorbell and look out to see a policeman standing a few feet down the sidewalk. He was trying to avert his eyes from the door. Seems an irate neighbor had called the police because someone had parked in front of her house.

K.D., Hawaii

Friday, June 12, 2009

We're on a Mission From GOD

I had a crop in the basement of a school and we had SPECIFIC instructions on how to use the elevator. The instructions were posted in the elevator, outside the elevator on both floors AND I went over the instructions specifically to the gals that were with me helping me unload the scrapbook stuff from my car.

The plan was to unload the inventory in the elevator, then take the stairs down to unload the elevator in the basement. One of my customers didn't follow the instructions and the elevator became stuck with all of my inventory in it. We needed that inventory out, PLUS we needed the elevator working because the stairs were horrible to haul scrapbooking stuff up and down. Not knowing what to do, we ran next door to the convent. It was 8:30 at night. Sister A. answered the door in her pajamas and bathrobe and was TICKED. Why was she ticked? Not because we came over at night. Not because we didn't follow the directions. Not because we may have broken the elevator. No; Sister A. wasn't happy with us because...

...we interrupted the Red Wing Hockey game.

Sister A. was such a big hockey fan that even the statues in our school lobby wore Red Wing Jerseys (seriously). She gave us her keys to fix the elevator and I sheepishly gave her the keys back the next day. She also got a bigger donation than normal for letting us use the school basement...

M.M., Michigan

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Photo!

I just posted a story below that had a photo included with it. My first photo here on Consultant Calamities! If you have any photos to share about any of your Home Party calamities, please send them along with your stories.

I need some more stories to keep this blog going, so please share. Send your story (and a photo, if you have one) to:

Your story doesn't have to be long or elaborate, just funny, interesting or unusual in some way. Please take five minutes to email me so we can keep the fun going! :-) I do have some of my own stories to share, but I need your help, too.

- The Calamity Queen (That's my husband's idea for how I should sign my own posts.)

My Dog Ate It

Some years ago, I was hosting a National Scrapbook Day with five other Consultants. We were all bringing snacks for the customers to munch on during the day. I like to bake, so I decided to make a buttermilk pound cake as my contribution.

I put the cake together, baked it and placed it on the counter to cool. Then, went to gather everything together for a National Scrapbook Day event. When I returned to the kitchen, a couple of hours must have passed. To my horror, I discovered that my Australian Shepherd, who could not be trusted when any food was left on the counter had eaten half of my cake. She had eaten as much as she could reach.

Although this dog had pulled whole roasts onto the floor to eat them before, I had forgotten about her as my cake was cooling and now I had only half a cake. In the end, my customers had to eat cookies and my family got to eat the remaining half of the buttermilk pound cake that was left untouched by our Aussie, who rarely got the opportunity to indulge in such treats again.

T.T., Mississippi

Monday, June 8, 2009

High on Scrapbooking

One of the more 'memorable' hostesses was the one that was hammered by the time all her guests arrived. Then while I was still writing up orders, she was smoking hash in the kitchen with her husband and friends.

Sales were great, though!

S. B., Canada

Saturday, June 6, 2009

All By Myself...

I had a Creative Memories class once. I showed up at her house and got everything ready to go in time for the class to start at 2:30 on a Sunday. The first guest showed up around 2:15 and didn’t bring any photos. She’s an “artist” and said she could not cut any of her photos.

The next lady showed up and all she wanted to do was talk about how much she hated men! Another lady showed up and she seemed genuinely interested. We were still expecting two more, and they were coming from about an hour away. So, we waited until 3:00 to start.

I started the class with the circle and shape templates explaining that we would cut one photo – just one, because each time you pick up the scissors, you slow yourself down. So, they all cut one photo and we moved on – or so I thought. I packed the templates away in my bag, but the host kept getting them back out because the ladies were so excited about those shapes! I’d put them away, and she’d get them back out.

At 4:30 (a full two hours after the class was to have started), we heard from one of the two missing ladies saying the other gal had never come to pick her up and she was just leaving Washington, DC! An hour away! Naturally, the host told her we’d still be there and to come on up!

When we finally managed to get through the hands-on portion of the class and got into the buying portion, the lady who hated men had been calling her home all through the class and getting a busy signal. She LEFT the party because she knew her kids were on the computer! She never came back.

One lady had brought the wrong checkbook, so she had to go back home. I thought she was a goner, but she did come back with the correct checkbook. Eventually the lady from DC arrived and we did another class just for her. She loved everything, too, but she didn’t have any money, so the hostess left with her to go find an ATM machine and left me alone with her other guests!

After it was all said and done (and the sales were nothing to write home about), the host said to me, “So, do your classes always take this long?”

- J. R., Maryland

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A One Man Crime Spree

We're in the middle of a scrapbook workshop and my doorbell rings. It's one of those college kids who sell books. I told him I wasn't interested and he said, "Can't you just give me some money?" I said no, and closed the door.

I also told my customers what had just happened because I couldn't believe the guy. A few minutes later the phone rings and it's the police. They said that someone had called from the house. Ummm - no, I live here and nobody called. They were sending a car over anyway because someone had called from the house.

I get off the phone and I ask if anyone had called the police and one woman did!! The police came and I made her talk with them. She went on and on that she moved to our neighborhood to get away from trash like that, and she insisted that they hunt the kid down and get him out of the neighborhood. Gee, thanks lady, for making my house a target!

- M.M., Michigan

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Don't Eat While Reading This Story

This story is from January, but when I came across it, I HAD to link it here. Trust the title of this post, finish eating before you click on this one:

Visitor Defecates on Woman's Porch

It's worth clicking on the "comments" thread under this article, and reading some of the comments. HILARIOUS.

And yet...what the HELL is wrong with people?!?!

I just realized that this is my THIRD post with the label "smell."

Monday, June 1, 2009

A Trimmer of a Different Sort

One of my customers was on a pretty tight budget, so she had to spread out her purchases. Before Christmas, she wrote out a wish list for her husband, and one of the items was "Creative Memories Personal Trimmer" followed by my name and telephone number. (This is a small trimmer to cut photos and small pieces of paper.) I was unaware of this wish list item and so I didn't follow up with her husband.

Imagine her surprise when on Christmas morning, in front of all the family, she opened a box from him to find a very different kind of "personal" trimmer - from the feminine hygiene aisle!

- N.S., North Carolina

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Avert Your Eyes, Part Deux

This reminds me of a Stampin' Up party I went to several years ago. My friend who was hosting it is a breast cancer survivor. A lady was there who had also had breast cancer.

About halfway through the class, she asks the host to make sure the kids stayed in the basement cause she wanted to show something to the rest of us. She stands up, lifts her sweatshirt up (no bra) and says "Look how well they turned out!" She had had breast reconstruction done and was so proud of them.

- C. B., Kansas

Thursday, May 28, 2009

"Black" is the new "Clean"

When I was Pampered Chef Consultant, I traveled about an hour for what I thought would be a pretty decent party. I arrived and begin to unload the car.

I start to unload my crates and look down and see the sand in the carpet. She hasn't vacuumed AT ALL. Ok, the food isn't going to be hitting the floor. I now need to use the bathroom before the guests arrive. Apparently cleaning the bathroom is a foreign task. The toilet bowl is black, not brown or rusty, BLACK.

There's no soap to be found in the bathroom. Thank goodness I had my Pampered Chef soap dispenser so I at least was able to wash my hands appropriately. Just for giggles, I peeked behind the shower curtain and the tub has never been cleaned.

It's now time to do the party and the guests arrive. We have a great time at the party. I brought the dishes into the kitchen. Picture this: the counter is a wrap-around from the kitchen into the dining room. There is so much stuff piled up, that one more thing on top will cause an avalanche. Now, on to the sink. Stainless steel is gray, from what I remember. This sink was black from never being cleaned.

So now I need to toss some rubbish away. Get this, there's food splattered up the side of the refrigerator and on the wall right next to the rubbish. I never went back. On the way home I just wanted to open my windows and throw out everything we used. And yes, I did scrub everything I brought whether or not we used it.

- E. F., New Hampshire

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Become a "Follower" of Consultant Calamaties

I want to thank all of you who have visited my site in the last few days. It's really exciting to see my hit counter go up so quickly! (Simple things amuse me.)

This is partly due to shameless self-promotion, and largely due to a mention on a great, really popular blog called Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds.

You MUST check out the crazy (but true!) stories on Wide Lawns, she is an EXCELLENT storyteller!

Also, click on my right sidebar to become a "Follower" of Consultant Calamities. I have Followers now!

My husband is amused at the sudden upswing of my site counter, and he's also amused by my Followers...

Now, I need your help: I have some more stories "in the can" to post over the next week or so, but I need YOUR help with more stories to keep this site going! So don't be shy, click on my gmail address to the right and send in YOUR Home Party story! You'll get to see your initials in print! You'll be quasi-famous!

New story coming tomorrow...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What a Gem

This happened when I was a consultant for a jewelry making company (Gems to Jewels). The way it worked was the Consultant would bring everything needed to make jewelry. Those at the workshop would design their own piece of jewelry and the price was based on the stones and silver they used.

A friend hosted a workshop, one of her guests wasn't sure she could make any jewelry but really got into and got very excited about the whole process. She booked her own workshop. In the two weeks leading up to her workshop we talked often and I was excited that she would have a fantastic workshop. I arrive and set up - it took a long time. The hostess is chatting about what she wants to make and how her friends are going to love this.

Well 10 people show up. I do my intro and explain how it worked. They are all smiles. Then when it is time for them to start picking out beads. They all open their purses and start pulling out stuff they went to the craft store and bought. Once I picked my chin up off the floor, I pulled the hostess aside and asked her if she understood that if her friends didn't buy my stuff she wouldn't get anything free as hostess credit. She said, "I know, we just want to learn how to make our own stuff. Come on, be a sport!"

This again put my chin on the floor. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, called my husband and just said wait 10 minutes and call me. I went back into the room with the ladies and started to teach them about making jewelry.

My phone rings. I look at the phone and say, "Sorry ladies I need to answer this, it's my husband."

Me: "Hi honey, I'm teaching a class what do you need?"
Hubby: "You told me to call you."
Me: "Oh no! How serious?"
Hubby: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "I'll meet you there just as soon as I can get there."

Then I said: "I am so sorry ladies but my Mother-in-Law has been taken to the hospital, I have to go. We will have to do this another time."

I quickly packed up all my stuff and dashed out of there. A bold-faced lie, but I don't teach for free and refused to be used.

A.W., Kentucky

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Show Sucked in More Ways Than One

When I was a Creative Memories Consultant, a hostess told me that there were going to be over 20 people at her show. WOW! Did I work my behind to get prepared or what for that show! I was so excited.

When I got there, over 20 people really WERE there...but they were all watching some guy trying to sell a vacuum cleaner. Now I'm all for vacuum cleaners...but come on!!!! You have got to be kidding me!

Needless to say, I was there 3 hours until my turn was up. I was sitting there watching this guy and no one knew me or why I was there. The hostess just had me sit down and said to wait till he was done... I was SHOCKED! I didn't start till 10pm. By then I just did my thing as fast as I could. I was tired, half the people left and I was left with nothing. NO sales, no scheduled shows, NOTHING!!!! And the hostess had the nerve to be upset that I didn't want to give her a corner rounder for FREE because she had all those people for me!

N.F., Hawaii

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Look What I Found, Mom!

Years ago, I was teaching a scrapbook class for a gal who had just signed as a consultant. She had her mom, sisters and some friends there, along with an assortment of young kids. I wasn't too thrilled about the kids, but was hoping they would stay in the other room so we could concentrate.

One of the kids was her nephew (about 8 or so), whose mom was at the class. This kid was determined to cause trouble, racing around, throwing things, yelling, and generally wreaking havoc. I continued to try to teach the class amid yells from his mother and others at him to "stop that", "calm down", etc. I tried to keep everyone on track. Finally the kids all ran upstairs, and I thought, "Good, maybe they'll stay up there and we can have a peaceful class for a while."

After a few minutes, the nephew comes bounding back down the stairs with the other kids, YELLING at the top of his lungs, "MOM!! MOM!! Look what I found!! Under the bed! What is this thing??"

It was a... ummmm... "personal stimulation device"! I think I gave up at that point...

- Anonymous

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Taking the Plunge

A fellow Creative Memories consultant went to teach a class in a woman’s home. Hot day, lots of people, no air conditioning in the home.

At the end of the class, the consultant needed to use the restroom. She goes down the hall to the bathroom, does her thing, and as she’s washing her hands she notices that the toilet is starting to back up. Not knowing how to turn off the water to the toilet, she starts to panic as the water rises closer to the rim. She sees the offending wad of toilet paper and looks around for a plunger. Nothing. The water is still rising. She’s sweating bullets from the heat and embarrassment as the water has reached the edge of the bowl and is slowly overflowing.

So she does the only thing she can think of to do. She removes her wristwatch and gold bracelets. She pulls up her sleeves and drops to her knees. Then she plunges her arm into the toilet and pulls out the wad of toilet paper. But the water is still rising! She runs down the hall to notify the hostess who is chatting with her guests. She takes her aside and explains there’s a waterfall going on in her bathroom. The hostess laughs and says, “Oh, that happens all the time!” and goes on chatting with her guests.

K.D., Hawaii

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Blind Leading the Blind

I gave a Creative Memories scrapbook class...whatever-the whole nine yards. Showed around a bunch of tools, photos, products, etc. Talked, asked questions, etc.

At the end of the time I asked two of the women if there was anything on the order forms I could help them with or understand, etc. They told me no......since they were both blind......they weren't likely to do much scrapbooking!!!

I felt like an idiot. I had felt like something was different about them, but since we weren't up and moving about the room, etc. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, and why would I imagine a blind person would be at a scrapbook gathering? A heads-up by the hostess before the event would have been a welcome favor!

D.C., Washington

Sunday, May 17, 2009

What's That Baby Wearing?!

I was assisting another Consultant at a scrapbooking class when a customer beckoned me over to see her book. I was floored to not only see a guy in drag (that's pretty par for the course come Halloween layouts); but a newborn dressed in a KKK uniform!

What do you say to that? “That's a good color on him?” Seriously!

- M. N., New Hampshire

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Where Did My Rings Go?

I was a Body Shop at Home Consultant for a short time, and during one show, a girl took off her wedding and engagement rings which were welded together and put them on the towels we handed out. The girl left without her rings, and did not notice until she got home.

She called the hostess who did not see them, but told her she was cleaning up and was sure she would find them. Two minutes later, the hostess ran her garbage disposal and heard a horrible noise. THE RINGS - They were pretty mangled, but she did not lose any diamonds.

The worst part for me (besides feeling awful when I heard the story,) was that the girl whose ring it was, was my bosses daughter!

- E.L., Vermont

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Party Was a Real Zoo

I did a scrapbook class once where we had a blue tongued lizard and a snake on the table. A cockatoo was flying around the room. (I have a bird phobia!)

One of the hostesses sons was walking around the room with a rat on his head and a snake around his neck. He was telling everyone that his rat just had babies, and he was freezing them for his snakes, unless we wanted to buy one for $5. There were various other animals coming and going, and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

- K.V., Australia

Thursday, May 14, 2009

They Cost HOW Much??

One of my friends had a BeautiControl "clinic" years and years ago. It was around 1990, when they were still doing colors for people. They would tell you if you were a "spring" or a "winter" and then sell you the whole line based on your season.

So I was at the "clinic" and the consultant has these fabric color swatches that she's draping over everybody. The hostess (my friend) had a different season on each shoulder and the consultant was lifting the swatches to her face. The hostess' beloved dog, an older Lab who had begun to have health problems, was lying on the floor by the fireplace. The dog began to heave and throw up.

The hostess jumped up, grabbed the swatches from her shoulders, threw one of them over where the dog actually threw up, and held the other under the dog's muzzle to catch what was coming out. The consultant FREAKED OUT and started screaming at the hostess. The hostess had had the dog since she was a teenager, it was her first "baby," and she of course FREAKED OUT in return.

It ended up with us (the hostess' friends) telling the consultant to calm down or leave. Sadly, she did not get the message until we started picking up her stuff, putting it into her cases, and moving them to the front porch while she ranted about how many thousands and thousands of dollars her swatches were worth. As we finally herded her out the door, she was still shouting over her shoulder that she wanted the gift back from the hostess that she had given as thanks for hosting the clinic.

The hostess did give it back a few days later, along with a check for $50 (the amount that BeautiControl had told her the swatches were worth), all wrapped up in the dirty swatches.

- P, California.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What's That Smell??

I was having a scrapbook class at my house. We had recently moved to our home and didn't know the house too well, as we had only lived here for a month or so. The guests came down into my basement and I started teaching the class.

All of a sudden, I smell something A.W.F.U.L. I just figured that someone wasn't feeling the best, and did my best to ignore it. Soon it became too hard to ignore. One of my customers started to gag. Another spoke up and said, "What's that smell?" They all started saying "not me," etc.

We soon found the culprit - my drain was backing up into the BASEMENT! I told the ladies that I wasn't going to finish the class there - that we should go upstairs and if people wanted to leave or finish the class upstairs we could do that. They all said they were FINE. So, with watering eyes I finished the class - completely embarrassed that my basement smelled like crap. Sales were low. I wonder why...

- M. M., Michigan

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Bottoms Up

I was hosting an evening scrapbook workshop in my home. My husband accepted responsibility for all parenting for my then 3 year old son, and they were going to do whatever they wanted to do UPSTAIRS.

An hour or two into the workshop, I'm going around taking care of my ladies, and what do I hear from the top of the stairs? I hear, "Mama!" "Mama!"

I went to the bottom of the stairs & said, "What?" The answer..."  Can you come wipe me?"

I said "Go get your daddy to take care of that." He said Daddy was busy watching TV. I had to haul myself away from my ladies to go upstairs and found my husband totally engrossed in his show. He was oblivious. I gave him a quick what-for and then returned to my work.

Yeah, real professional & businesslike.

B. H., Tennesee

Monday, May 11, 2009

I Weigh More Than a Truck

I have a story from a customer perspective. YEARS ago I was at a Tupperware party. They had these great jewel tone colored cups.The consultant is describing how STRONG these cups are. She put it on the ground and stood on it.

"They tested these cups by running a Mack truck over them. They just won't break. Does anyone want to come up and try?"

I raise my hand. She calls me up. I put ONE foot on the cup, and, you guessed it, CRRRAAAAAACCCKK!

I was mortified. Apparently I weigh more than a Mack truck. She was astounded. Needless to say, I ordered a set of those cups. I'm drinking out of the red one right now.

T.H., Kentucky

Sunday, May 10, 2009

On the Lam

I'm not sure that this is really funny, but I can laugh about it now.

Years ago I had a second line gal (one I hardly knew) call to tell me she wouldn't be in touch for awhile--she said there's a warrant out for her arrest and she had to surrender herself to the authorities. (Her upline told her she better call me before she got locked up!)

Apparently she and her husband had some financial issues they'd been evading and didn't tell anyone about. This came as a complete shocker to her upline and me. I was speechless....

K. D., Hawaii

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Avert Your Eyes

I did a scrapbook presentation the other night. The whole thing was pretty chaotic. A bunch of fun loving, yakky ladies and a handful of noisy children.

One of the guests was about 60. We were playing pass-the-gift, and she said "How about giving it to me; I am wearing a bra! I never wear a bra. See!"

She lifted her shirt up to show everyone; not only her bra but her very well-endowed bra. Her granddaughter just rolled her eyes and said "Grandma!"

All the other ladies were like "Why are you wearing one? What's the deal? Mark this day down."

All I could say "Now that's a picture for your album". I guess I should have taken the wine cooler when offered.

L.K., Missouri

Friday, May 8, 2009

Crap Booking?

I had a scrapbook workshop up at the local Catholic school. It was in early December and despite winter weather warnings we still had the crop. The school graciously allowed me to use their marquee sign out in front and put up "Scrapbook Sale Today" with the times, etc.

The snow was AWFUL. When it was time to end the crop, we were literally snowed in. We couldn't open the doors because the snow drifts were about 4 feet high. Thankfully, the janitor came with the snowblower to plow us out. It was quite comical.

I was asked by the school if I could remove the "Scrapbook Sale Today" sign off the marquee so they would have a fresh sign for Monday. Two of my clients overheard me talking about this and volunteered to do it for me. They went out twice to remove the letters but due to the weather, some of the letters would not come off. What letters stayed on the sign? "CRAP TODAY." Boy, did that ever describe the weather or what? We brought some warm water out to the sign the third time going out there to get the letters off.

Eventually we were able to clear the sign while the janitor plowed the rest of us out. It was a very fun night.

M.M., Michigan

Thursday, May 7, 2009


There was the time that I was doing a hands-on scrapbooking class for a woman, and all her friends who were her bridesmaids at her recent wedding. They were all doing a page with pictures of her bachelorette party. She happened to have some male strippers at her party.... and a "anatomically correct" cake. There was a picture of the bride "eating" the cake, too..... if you get my drift.

"Here's some lovely skin colored paper to mat those photos with...." I did have very good sales that night, thankfully!

- Anonymous

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

...And God Spoke...

The best story I have involves my Mother-in-Law. Despite the fact that she is an avid paper crafter; mostly cards, but some took me two years to get her to host a Creative Memories party for me. I arrive on time, ready to go. Her friends were all at least an hour late.

Then we start to hear some thunderstorms. We kept lady told me she wanted to take all her photos and burn them as she felt she would die soon and her children would never want them. Now, how do you recover from that!?

Then, as if GOD HIMSELF decided to answer her comment, there was a huge flash and BOOM, and the lights went out! All the party guests ran out of the house and took off in their cars. I didn't sell a thing and my Mother-in-Law never had another party. I laughed all the way home! What else was I going to do?

- Anonymous

Sunday, May 3, 2009

No Nookie Tonight

One time, one of my scrapbook customers' husband called her during a crop to say he was going to bed. His exact words?

"You just scrapbooked yourself into another night of celibacy."

N.S., North Carolina

Friday, May 1, 2009

What have!

It was my second scrapbooking home class and I was very nervous. Fourteen people were coming over and the class was at my house. I had everything all set, and these ladies all walk in. Normal-looking people. We get to the cropping photos stage of the class, and one of the ladies brought out pictures of her and her boyfriend naked. Asked me for help.

Same class huddled in a circle to decide who was going to buy what sticker pack. Total sales from a 14 person class - under $200. Not very funny, and she acted like taking naked pictures was completely normal.

- M. M., Michigan