Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Consultant Calamities Needs More Stories!


How do you like this cartoon? This is going to be part of the new logo for this site, which is being worked on this week. It goes pretty well with the theme, don't you think?

I've felt this way many, many times in my past life as a Home Party Consultant. More times than I can even tell you.

I want to thank everyone so much for all the great, kooky stories I've received so far, and for all of you who are coming here and reading the site.

Also, thank you to the people who have passed this link on to others!

I have some more stories "in the can," but I'm running a bit lower than I'd like on stories, so I'm appealing to you all: If you have any fun, interesting, annoying or kooky Home party stories, please send them to my gmail address:


Remember, I take all kinds of stories...whether you were the Consultant or Rep at a party, the Hostess of a Home party, or a guest at a Home Party. Stories about funny, strange or interesting things are great. Pets and children at parties make for interesting anecdotes as well. Stories about pushy Consultants, or annoying/spacey customers are great, too! The story I posted on Monday is about a pushy Consultant...I'm sure many of us have run into those from time to time.

Remember, you can be anonymous if you wish!

You can also help this site out by passing around my link to fellow Consultants, ex-Consultants and anyone who attends Home Parties and encourage them to share their experiences as well.

I hope to eventually have some small giveaways on the site from time to time for sending in stories, so stay tuned for news about that...

- Calamity Queen

Sunday, June 28, 2009

No Means No

I recently attended a Pampered Chef hosted by one of my friends. She mentioned that the consultant wanted to sign her up to be a consultant herself. My friend was pretty open about how that wasn't her thing, but she was willing to host a party anyway.

During the party, the consultant kept saying "Don't forget to host a party for Sandy! She will be signing up after the close of this show." My friend responds with "I'm not sure I'm going to be a consultant", to be nice and polite, seeing as her friends & family were all around for the show.

The consultant mentioned similar comments about Sandy signing up for the entire show, but it wasn't until the orders were rolling in and she had 1 on 1 conversations with the guests that she really went over the top. For each and every guest who paid her, she said "Which month is best for you to host a party with me?" All guests said they were not interested in hosting a show at this time. The consultant responded with "Well, Sandy will be signing on very soon, so how about we set up a time to host a party with her?"

All guests declined as nicely as they could. I waited til the end and of course because I was one of Sandy's best friends. The consultant pushes and pries to get me to host a show. I had to be blunt and say "Sandy isn't even going to be a consultant and I've had about 10 Pampered Chef shows of my own, we are all good!".

Sadly, she's still persistent via e-mails!

D.Z., New Hampshire

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Little Help, Here? Hellooooo?

During my first pregnancy, I was a Body Shop at Home Consultant. Somehow, I ended up getting parties way, way out of my area. After work, I had my kit already packed up and ready to go.

The kit for the foot soak parties are extensive, and this particular party had about 18 or so guests, which meant: 18 foot tubs, in addition to all the body creams, face cream line, foot care line, catalogs, order sheets and so on…very heavy and lots of it.

I arrived on time (just barely) and was already exhausted just from being 8 months pregnant.

I looked around for the exact street number and, wouldn’t you know? The house is up on a hill, no garage, and stairs that amounted to more than a flight to get to their front door.

I called up to let the host know I was outside and was sort of hoping for a little help with my bags, or maybe an outside light and a propped door; none of which occurred. I lugged 3 bags, 3 separate trips up this towering stair walkway and still was not greeted. The Hostess just stared at me. I asked where she’d like me to set up and she said, "Well, where ever, I guess."

"Which room, I say?" She says, "I don’t know." Excellent. I made do, and it was fine, but seriously, the getting in and out of the house was completely awful. After the party, as I brought my bags down to the car, one by one, her husband kindly held the house door open for me. Not once did he offer to maybe carry a bag down. Did I mention it was December, frigid outside and everything was lined with snow and ice? Nice. I guess it sounds kind of crappy, because I was the Consultant...but really, not even a little sympathy for the roly-poly pregnant girl?

B., New Hampshire

Monday, June 22, 2009

Well Excuuuuuuse Me!

The Pampered Chef Consultant was bossy, pushy and rude. She directed my guests and advised them on what they should be doing in the kitchen and how best to handle their households.

While using my stove to prepare food with her products, she pointed out to everyone that my burner trays, the stainless ones for electric stoves, were not usually that dark. She said that I obviously didn't pay as much attention to cleaning them as I should have!

Can you believe that no one booked a party with her?

- D. S., New Hampshire

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Become a "Fan" of Consultant Calamities on Facebook

Hello Everyone! I'm amazed and thankful for the stories and feedback that I've received on this site, thank you SO much. I appreciate any comments and emails.

If you're on Facebook, you can become a "Fan" of my Facebook page for Consultant Calamities:

Consultant Calamities Facebook Page

Come on over and join, it only takes a minute! Plus, I'll post when there's an update, and you can converse with other Fans.

I've received some great stories, but I still need MORE STORIES to keep the fun going! Click on the gmail address on the right to send in your story.

Help me to spread the word by forwarding the link to this site to other friends, too! I appreciate any help I can get with that.

Stories from Consultants (or ex-Consultants) are great, but I also welcome stories from Hostesses or Guests of these parties. So if you have a story from a Hostess or Guest point of view, don't be shy!

Also, stories about "extra pushy" Consultants are more than welcome. Let's submit those so we can all cringe at them as well! ;-)

New story coming tomorrow.

- Calamity Queen

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It Was the Cosmos Talking, I Swear!

A few years ago, I was invited to a surprise 30th birthday party for one of my neighbors. Being new to the neighborhood, I asked around to see if anyone else was going and we all decided to go together. The party was being held at the home of the birthday girl’s sister-in-law. From what I had heard, the sister-in-law was a great hostess.

As we were driving over to the sister-in-law’s house the night of the party, one of my neighbors mentions that part of the surprise for the birthday girl is that we are going to a “toy party," and I’m not talking Discovery [Children's] Toys!!!! Okay, that’s interesting...a surprise 30th birthday party and toy party all rolled into one. Most of us had never been to one of these parties, but we all agreed that this should make for a fun evening.

My neighbor was right, the sister-in-law was a great hostess. We enjoyed many adult beverages and lots of food waiting for the birthday girl to arrive. If the sister-in-law saw that your cup was nearing empty, she was right beside you filling it up.

Once the birthday girl arrived, it was time to get the party started. The toy lady came out with all of her offerings and started her talk. She had us roaring with laughter!!!! We were all really having a great time. Every so often, the sister-in-law would shout out from the kitchen, “Who needs more to drink…..raise your hand!" Seeing that my cup was nearly empty, I proceeded to raise my hand --- just as the toy lady was demonstrating one of her products and asking the group if anyone had a same-sex partner.

Yes, my hand was raised……for more Cosmos!

Seeing my hand raised, the toy lady announced, “Great! We have a lesbian in the group tonight!”

For the rest of the evening, I was the neighborhood lesbian…..thanks to several more Cosmos, I didn’t mind. It was all in fun and we all had a great time, but every now and again it comes up around the neighborhood and we all start laughing again.

- D.D., New Jersey

Monday, June 15, 2009

Bare Nekkid Ladies

I attended a clothing party hosted by a close friend. It's one of those home parties where the consultant shows off the latest line, then everyone gets to try on samples.

It was the first time I'd ever attended one of these, but several of the ladies had been to one before and knew the routine. As soon as the consultant ended her presentation, the guests stood up and started taking off their clothes--right there in the living room! The hostess and consultant had said guests could use the bathroom or a back bedroom to change, but in the interest of time, many of the more seasoned guests simply stripped in the living room and started trying on clothes from the racks.

It was a Sunday morning party, complete with wine-coolers so I guess many of the guests were not as inhibited as they might normally have been. There was a lot of loud laughter and everyone was having a good time.

The front door was open so the breeze could come in. Imagine our shock when a few minutes later we heard the doorbell and look out to see a policeman standing a few feet down the sidewalk. He was trying to avert his eyes from the door. Seems an irate neighbor had called the police because someone had parked in front of her house.

K.D., Hawaii

Friday, June 12, 2009

We're on a Mission From GOD

I had a crop in the basement of a school and we had SPECIFIC instructions on how to use the elevator. The instructions were posted in the elevator, outside the elevator on both floors AND I went over the instructions specifically to the gals that were with me helping me unload the scrapbook stuff from my car.

The plan was to unload the inventory in the elevator, then take the stairs down to unload the elevator in the basement. One of my customers didn't follow the instructions and the elevator became stuck with all of my inventory in it. We needed that inventory out, PLUS we needed the elevator working because the stairs were horrible to haul scrapbooking stuff up and down. Not knowing what to do, we ran next door to the convent. It was 8:30 at night. Sister A. answered the door in her pajamas and bathrobe and was TICKED. Why was she ticked? Not because we came over at night. Not because we didn't follow the directions. Not because we may have broken the elevator. No; Sister A. wasn't happy with us because...

...we interrupted the Red Wing Hockey game.

Sister A. was such a big hockey fan that even the statues in our school lobby wore Red Wing Jerseys (seriously). She gave us her keys to fix the elevator and I sheepishly gave her the keys back the next day. She also got a bigger donation than normal for letting us use the school basement...

M.M., Michigan

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Photo!

I just posted a story below that had a photo included with it. My first photo here on Consultant Calamities! If you have any photos to share about any of your Home Party calamities, please send them along with your stories.

I need some more stories to keep this blog going, so please share. Send your story (and a photo, if you have one) to:


Your story doesn't have to be long or elaborate, just funny, interesting or unusual in some way. Please take five minutes to email me so we can keep the fun going! :-) I do have some of my own stories to share, but I need your help, too.

- The Calamity Queen (That's my husband's idea for how I should sign my own posts.)

My Dog Ate It

Some years ago, I was hosting a National Scrapbook Day with five other Consultants. We were all bringing snacks for the customers to munch on during the day. I like to bake, so I decided to make a buttermilk pound cake as my contribution.

I put the cake together, baked it and placed it on the counter to cool. Then, went to gather everything together for a National Scrapbook Day event. When I returned to the kitchen, a couple of hours must have passed. To my horror, I discovered that my Australian Shepherd, who could not be trusted when any food was left on the counter had eaten half of my cake. She had eaten as much as she could reach.

Although this dog had pulled whole roasts onto the floor to eat them before, I had forgotten about her as my cake was cooling and now I had only half a cake. In the end, my customers had to eat cookies and my family got to eat the remaining half of the buttermilk pound cake that was left untouched by our Aussie, who rarely got the opportunity to indulge in such treats again.

T.T., Mississippi

Monday, June 8, 2009

High on Scrapbooking

One of the more 'memorable' hostesses was the one that was hammered by the time all her guests arrived. Then while I was still writing up orders, she was smoking hash in the kitchen with her husband and friends.

Sales were great, though!

S. B., Canada

Saturday, June 6, 2009

All By Myself...

I had a Creative Memories class once. I showed up at her house and got everything ready to go in time for the class to start at 2:30 on a Sunday. The first guest showed up around 2:15 and didn’t bring any photos. She’s an “artist” and said she could not cut any of her photos.

The next lady showed up and all she wanted to do was talk about how much she hated men! Another lady showed up and she seemed genuinely interested. We were still expecting two more, and they were coming from about an hour away. So, we waited until 3:00 to start.

I started the class with the circle and shape templates explaining that we would cut one photo – just one, because each time you pick up the scissors, you slow yourself down. So, they all cut one photo and we moved on – or so I thought. I packed the templates away in my bag, but the host kept getting them back out because the ladies were so excited about those shapes! I’d put them away, and she’d get them back out.

At 4:30 (a full two hours after the class was to have started), we heard from one of the two missing ladies saying the other gal had never come to pick her up and she was just leaving Washington, DC! An hour away! Naturally, the host told her we’d still be there and to come on up!

When we finally managed to get through the hands-on portion of the class and got into the buying portion, the lady who hated men had been calling her home all through the class and getting a busy signal. She LEFT the party because she knew her kids were on the computer! She never came back.

One lady had brought the wrong checkbook, so she had to go back home. I thought she was a goner, but she did come back with the correct checkbook. Eventually the lady from DC arrived and we did another class just for her. She loved everything, too, but she didn’t have any money, so the hostess left with her to go find an ATM machine and left me alone with her other guests!

After it was all said and done (and the sales were nothing to write home about), the host said to me, “So, do your classes always take this long?”

- J. R., Maryland

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A One Man Crime Spree

We're in the middle of a scrapbook workshop and my doorbell rings. It's one of those college kids who sell books. I told him I wasn't interested and he said, "Can't you just give me some money?" I said no, and closed the door.

I also told my customers what had just happened because I couldn't believe the guy. A few minutes later the phone rings and it's the police. They said that someone had called from the house. Ummm - no, I live here and nobody called. They were sending a car over anyway because someone had called from the house.

I get off the phone and I ask if anyone had called the police and one woman did!! The police came and I made her talk with them. She went on and on that she moved to our neighborhood to get away from trash like that, and she insisted that they hunt the kid down and get him out of the neighborhood. Gee, thanks lady, for making my house a target!

- M.M., Michigan

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Don't Eat While Reading This Story

This story is from January, but when I came across it, I HAD to link it here. Trust the title of this post, finish eating before you click on this one:

Visitor Defecates on Woman's Porch

It's worth clicking on the "comments" thread under this article, and reading some of the comments. HILARIOUS.

And yet...what the HELL is wrong with people?!?!

I just realized that this is my THIRD post with the label "smell."

Monday, June 1, 2009

A Trimmer of a Different Sort

One of my customers was on a pretty tight budget, so she had to spread out her purchases. Before Christmas, she wrote out a wish list for her husband, and one of the items was "Creative Memories Personal Trimmer" followed by my name and telephone number. (This is a small trimmer to cut photos and small pieces of paper.) I was unaware of this wish list item and so I didn't follow up with her husband.

Imagine her surprise when on Christmas morning, in front of all the family, she opened a box from him to find a very different kind of "personal" trimmer - from the feminine hygiene aisle!

- N.S., North Carolina