Saturday, May 30, 2009

Avert Your Eyes, Part Deux

This reminds me of a Stampin' Up party I went to several years ago. My friend who was hosting it is a breast cancer survivor. A lady was there who had also had breast cancer.

About halfway through the class, she asks the host to make sure the kids stayed in the basement cause she wanted to show something to the rest of us. She stands up, lifts her sweatshirt up (no bra) and says "Look how well they turned out!" She had had breast reconstruction done and was so proud of them.

- C. B., Kansas

Thursday, May 28, 2009

"Black" is the new "Clean"

When I was Pampered Chef Consultant, I traveled about an hour for what I thought would be a pretty decent party. I arrived and begin to unload the car.

I start to unload my crates and look down and see the sand in the carpet. She hasn't vacuumed AT ALL. Ok, the food isn't going to be hitting the floor. I now need to use the bathroom before the guests arrive. Apparently cleaning the bathroom is a foreign task. The toilet bowl is black, not brown or rusty, BLACK.

There's no soap to be found in the bathroom. Thank goodness I had my Pampered Chef soap dispenser so I at least was able to wash my hands appropriately. Just for giggles, I peeked behind the shower curtain and the tub has never been cleaned.

It's now time to do the party and the guests arrive. We have a great time at the party. I brought the dishes into the kitchen. Picture this: the counter is a wrap-around from the kitchen into the dining room. There is so much stuff piled up, that one more thing on top will cause an avalanche. Now, on to the sink. Stainless steel is gray, from what I remember. This sink was black from never being cleaned.

So now I need to toss some rubbish away. Get this, there's food splattered up the side of the refrigerator and on the wall right next to the rubbish. I never went back. On the way home I just wanted to open my windows and throw out everything we used. And yes, I did scrub everything I brought whether or not we used it.

- E. F., New Hampshire

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Become a "Follower" of Consultant Calamaties

I want to thank all of you who have visited my site in the last few days. It's really exciting to see my hit counter go up so quickly! (Simple things amuse me.)

This is partly due to shameless self-promotion, and largely due to a mention on a great, really popular blog called Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds.

You MUST check out the crazy (but true!) stories on Wide Lawns, she is an EXCELLENT storyteller!

Also, click on my right sidebar to become a "Follower" of Consultant Calamities. I have Followers now!

My husband is amused at the sudden upswing of my site counter, and he's also amused by my Followers...

Now, I need your help: I have some more stories "in the can" to post over the next week or so, but I need YOUR help with more stories to keep this site going! So don't be shy, click on my gmail address to the right and send in YOUR Home Party story! You'll get to see your initials in print! You'll be quasi-famous!

New story coming tomorrow...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What a Gem

This happened when I was a consultant for a jewelry making company (Gems to Jewels). The way it worked was the Consultant would bring everything needed to make jewelry. Those at the workshop would design their own piece of jewelry and the price was based on the stones and silver they used.

A friend hosted a workshop, one of her guests wasn't sure she could make any jewelry but really got into and got very excited about the whole process. She booked her own workshop. In the two weeks leading up to her workshop we talked often and I was excited that she would have a fantastic workshop. I arrive and set up - it took a long time. The hostess is chatting about what she wants to make and how her friends are going to love this.

Well 10 people show up. I do my intro and explain how it worked. They are all smiles. Then when it is time for them to start picking out beads. They all open their purses and start pulling out stuff they went to the craft store and bought. Once I picked my chin up off the floor, I pulled the hostess aside and asked her if she understood that if her friends didn't buy my stuff she wouldn't get anything free as hostess credit. She said, "I know, we just want to learn how to make our own stuff. Come on, be a sport!"

This again put my chin on the floor. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, called my husband and just said wait 10 minutes and call me. I went back into the room with the ladies and started to teach them about making jewelry.

My phone rings. I look at the phone and say, "Sorry ladies I need to answer this, it's my husband."

Me: "Hi honey, I'm teaching a class what do you need?"
Hubby: "You told me to call you."
Me: "Oh no! How serious?"
Hubby: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "I'll meet you there just as soon as I can get there."

Then I said: "I am so sorry ladies but my Mother-in-Law has been taken to the hospital, I have to go. We will have to do this another time."

I quickly packed up all my stuff and dashed out of there. A bold-faced lie, but I don't teach for free and refused to be used.

A.W., Kentucky

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Show Sucked in More Ways Than One

When I was a Creative Memories Consultant, a hostess told me that there were going to be over 20 people at her show. WOW! Did I work my behind to get prepared or what for that show! I was so excited.

When I got there, over 20 people really WERE there...but they were all watching some guy trying to sell a vacuum cleaner. Now I'm all for vacuum cleaners...but come on!!!! You have got to be kidding me!

Needless to say, I was there 3 hours until my turn was up. I was sitting there watching this guy and no one knew me or why I was there. The hostess just had me sit down and said to wait till he was done... I was SHOCKED! I didn't start till 10pm. By then I just did my thing as fast as I could. I was tired, half the people left and I was left with nothing. NO sales, no scheduled shows, NOTHING!!!! And the hostess had the nerve to be upset that I didn't want to give her a corner rounder for FREE because she had all those people for me!

N.F., Hawaii

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Look What I Found, Mom!

Years ago, I was teaching a scrapbook class for a gal who had just signed as a consultant. She had her mom, sisters and some friends there, along with an assortment of young kids. I wasn't too thrilled about the kids, but was hoping they would stay in the other room so we could concentrate.

One of the kids was her nephew (about 8 or so), whose mom was at the class. This kid was determined to cause trouble, racing around, throwing things, yelling, and generally wreaking havoc. I continued to try to teach the class amid yells from his mother and others at him to "stop that", "calm down", etc. I tried to keep everyone on track. Finally the kids all ran upstairs, and I thought, "Good, maybe they'll stay up there and we can have a peaceful class for a while."

After a few minutes, the nephew comes bounding back down the stairs with the other kids, YELLING at the top of his lungs, "MOM!! MOM!! Look what I found!! Under the bed! What is this thing??"

It was a... ummmm... "personal stimulation device"! I think I gave up at that point...

- Anonymous

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Taking the Plunge

A fellow Creative Memories consultant went to teach a class in a woman’s home. Hot day, lots of people, no air conditioning in the home.

At the end of the class, the consultant needed to use the restroom. She goes down the hall to the bathroom, does her thing, and as she’s washing her hands she notices that the toilet is starting to back up. Not knowing how to turn off the water to the toilet, she starts to panic as the water rises closer to the rim. She sees the offending wad of toilet paper and looks around for a plunger. Nothing. The water is still rising. She’s sweating bullets from the heat and embarrassment as the water has reached the edge of the bowl and is slowly overflowing.

So she does the only thing she can think of to do. She removes her wristwatch and gold bracelets. She pulls up her sleeves and drops to her knees. Then she plunges her arm into the toilet and pulls out the wad of toilet paper. But the water is still rising! She runs down the hall to notify the hostess who is chatting with her guests. She takes her aside and explains there’s a waterfall going on in her bathroom. The hostess laughs and says, “Oh, that happens all the time!” and goes on chatting with her guests.

K.D., Hawaii

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Blind Leading the Blind

I gave a Creative Memories scrapbook class...whatever-the whole nine yards. Showed around a bunch of tools, photos, products, etc. Talked, asked questions, etc.

At the end of the time I asked two of the women if there was anything on the order forms I could help them with or understand, etc. They told me no......since they were both blind......they weren't likely to do much scrapbooking!!!

I felt like an idiot. I had felt like something was different about them, but since we weren't up and moving about the room, etc. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, and why would I imagine a blind person would be at a scrapbook gathering? A heads-up by the hostess before the event would have been a welcome favor!

D.C., Washington

Sunday, May 17, 2009

What's That Baby Wearing?!

I was assisting another Consultant at a scrapbooking class when a customer beckoned me over to see her book. I was floored to not only see a guy in drag (that's pretty par for the course come Halloween layouts); but a newborn dressed in a KKK uniform!

What do you say to that? “That's a good color on him?” Seriously!

- M. N., New Hampshire

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Where Did My Rings Go?

I was a Body Shop at Home Consultant for a short time, and during one show, a girl took off her wedding and engagement rings which were welded together and put them on the towels we handed out. The girl left without her rings, and did not notice until she got home.

She called the hostess who did not see them, but told her she was cleaning up and was sure she would find them. Two minutes later, the hostess ran her garbage disposal and heard a horrible noise. THE RINGS - They were pretty mangled, but she did not lose any diamonds.

The worst part for me (besides feeling awful when I heard the story,) was that the girl whose ring it was, was my bosses daughter!

- E.L., Vermont

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Party Was a Real Zoo

I did a scrapbook class once where we had a blue tongued lizard and a snake on the table. A cockatoo was flying around the room. (I have a bird phobia!)

One of the hostesses sons was walking around the room with a rat on his head and a snake around his neck. He was telling everyone that his rat just had babies, and he was freezing them for his snakes, unless we wanted to buy one for $5. There were various other animals coming and going, and I couldn't wait to get out of there.

- K.V., Australia

Thursday, May 14, 2009

They Cost HOW Much??

One of my friends had a BeautiControl "clinic" years and years ago. It was around 1990, when they were still doing colors for people. They would tell you if you were a "spring" or a "winter" and then sell you the whole line based on your season.

So I was at the "clinic" and the consultant has these fabric color swatches that she's draping over everybody. The hostess (my friend) had a different season on each shoulder and the consultant was lifting the swatches to her face. The hostess' beloved dog, an older Lab who had begun to have health problems, was lying on the floor by the fireplace. The dog began to heave and throw up.

The hostess jumped up, grabbed the swatches from her shoulders, threw one of them over where the dog actually threw up, and held the other under the dog's muzzle to catch what was coming out. The consultant FREAKED OUT and started screaming at the hostess. The hostess had had the dog since she was a teenager, it was her first "baby," and she of course FREAKED OUT in return.

It ended up with us (the hostess' friends) telling the consultant to calm down or leave. Sadly, she did not get the message until we started picking up her stuff, putting it into her cases, and moving them to the front porch while she ranted about how many thousands and thousands of dollars her swatches were worth. As we finally herded her out the door, she was still shouting over her shoulder that she wanted the gift back from the hostess that she had given as thanks for hosting the clinic.

The hostess did give it back a few days later, along with a check for $50 (the amount that BeautiControl had told her the swatches were worth), all wrapped up in the dirty swatches.

- P, California.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What's That Smell??

I was having a scrapbook class at my house. We had recently moved to our home and didn't know the house too well, as we had only lived here for a month or so. The guests came down into my basement and I started teaching the class.

All of a sudden, I smell something A.W.F.U.L. I just figured that someone wasn't feeling the best, and did my best to ignore it. Soon it became too hard to ignore. One of my customers started to gag. Another spoke up and said, "What's that smell?" They all started saying "not me," etc.

We soon found the culprit - my drain was backing up into the BASEMENT! I told the ladies that I wasn't going to finish the class there - that we should go upstairs and if people wanted to leave or finish the class upstairs we could do that. They all said they were FINE. So, with watering eyes I finished the class - completely embarrassed that my basement smelled like crap. Sales were low. I wonder why...

- M. M., Michigan

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Bottoms Up

I was hosting an evening scrapbook workshop in my home. My husband accepted responsibility for all parenting for my then 3 year old son, and they were going to do whatever they wanted to do UPSTAIRS.

An hour or two into the workshop, I'm going around taking care of my ladies, and what do I hear from the top of the stairs? I hear, "Mama!" "Mama!"

I went to the bottom of the stairs & said, "What?" The answer..."  Can you come wipe me?"

I said "Go get your daddy to take care of that." He said Daddy was busy watching TV. I had to haul myself away from my ladies to go upstairs and found my husband totally engrossed in his show. He was oblivious. I gave him a quick what-for and then returned to my work.

Yeah, real professional & businesslike.

B. H., Tennesee

Monday, May 11, 2009

I Weigh More Than a Truck

I have a story from a customer perspective. YEARS ago I was at a Tupperware party. They had these great jewel tone colored cups.The consultant is describing how STRONG these cups are. She put it on the ground and stood on it.

"They tested these cups by running a Mack truck over them. They just won't break. Does anyone want to come up and try?"

I raise my hand. She calls me up. I put ONE foot on the cup, and, you guessed it, CRRRAAAAAACCCKK!

I was mortified. Apparently I weigh more than a Mack truck. She was astounded. Needless to say, I ordered a set of those cups. I'm drinking out of the red one right now.

T.H., Kentucky

Sunday, May 10, 2009

On the Lam

I'm not sure that this is really funny, but I can laugh about it now.

Years ago I had a second line gal (one I hardly knew) call to tell me she wouldn't be in touch for awhile--she said there's a warrant out for her arrest and she had to surrender herself to the authorities. (Her upline told her she better call me before she got locked up!)

Apparently she and her husband had some financial issues they'd been evading and didn't tell anyone about. This came as a complete shocker to her upline and me. I was speechless....

K. D., Hawaii

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Avert Your Eyes

I did a scrapbook presentation the other night. The whole thing was pretty chaotic. A bunch of fun loving, yakky ladies and a handful of noisy children.

One of the guests was about 60. We were playing pass-the-gift, and she said "How about giving it to me; I am wearing a bra! I never wear a bra. See!"

She lifted her shirt up to show everyone; not only her bra but her very well-endowed bra. Her granddaughter just rolled her eyes and said "Grandma!"

All the other ladies were like "Why are you wearing one? What's the deal? Mark this day down."

All I could say "Now that's a picture for your album". I guess I should have taken the wine cooler when offered.

L.K., Missouri

Friday, May 8, 2009

Crap Booking?

I had a scrapbook workshop up at the local Catholic school. It was in early December and despite winter weather warnings we still had the crop. The school graciously allowed me to use their marquee sign out in front and put up "Scrapbook Sale Today" with the times, etc.

The snow was AWFUL. When it was time to end the crop, we were literally snowed in. We couldn't open the doors because the snow drifts were about 4 feet high. Thankfully, the janitor came with the snowblower to plow us out. It was quite comical.

I was asked by the school if I could remove the "Scrapbook Sale Today" sign off the marquee so they would have a fresh sign for Monday. Two of my clients overheard me talking about this and volunteered to do it for me. They went out twice to remove the letters but due to the weather, some of the letters would not come off. What letters stayed on the sign? "CRAP TODAY." Boy, did that ever describe the weather or what? We brought some warm water out to the sign the third time going out there to get the letters off.

Eventually we were able to clear the sign while the janitor plowed the rest of us out. It was a very fun night.

M.M., Michigan

Thursday, May 7, 2009


There was the time that I was doing a hands-on scrapbooking class for a woman, and all her friends who were her bridesmaids at her recent wedding. They were all doing a page with pictures of her bachelorette party. She happened to have some male strippers at her party.... and a "anatomically correct" cake. There was a picture of the bride "eating" the cake, too..... if you get my drift.

"Here's some lovely skin colored paper to mat those photos with...." I did have very good sales that night, thankfully!

- Anonymous

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

...And God Spoke...

The best story I have involves my Mother-in-Law. Despite the fact that she is an avid paper crafter; mostly cards, but some took me two years to get her to host a Creative Memories party for me. I arrive on time, ready to go. Her friends were all at least an hour late.

Then we start to hear some thunderstorms. We kept lady told me she wanted to take all her photos and burn them as she felt she would die soon and her children would never want them. Now, how do you recover from that!?

Then, as if GOD HIMSELF decided to answer her comment, there was a huge flash and BOOM, and the lights went out! All the party guests ran out of the house and took off in their cars. I didn't sell a thing and my Mother-in-Law never had another party. I laughed all the way home! What else was I going to do?

- Anonymous

Sunday, May 3, 2009

No Nookie Tonight

One time, one of my scrapbook customers' husband called her during a crop to say he was going to bed. His exact words?

"You just scrapbooked yourself into another night of celibacy."

N.S., North Carolina

Friday, May 1, 2009

What have!

It was my second scrapbooking home class and I was very nervous. Fourteen people were coming over and the class was at my house. I had everything all set, and these ladies all walk in. Normal-looking people. We get to the cropping photos stage of the class, and one of the ladies brought out pictures of her and her boyfriend naked. Asked me for help.

Same class huddled in a circle to decide who was going to buy what sticker pack. Total sales from a 14 person class - under $200. Not very funny, and she acted like taking naked pictures was completely normal.

- M. M., Michigan